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the responsible abuse of pleasure
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Date:2005-04-06 19:43
Subject:almost looks like after sex glow, but..
Mood: yay!

3.31.05-4.01.05 after the fantomas opening night show, brickhouse grill, phoenix AZ..

i meet mike-fucking-patton. conversation about pizza of all things - he brought it up.. that, and the east coast. hey, he asked where we were from, of course im going to say MA. he is random, but i couldnt stop grinning..

it pays to walk around to the back of the building, dodge security and act like a groupie!

that's right bitches!  i got to meet one of my heroes!

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Date:2004-12-19 09:34
Subject:Seven Days
Mood: nerdy

Damn only seven days remain in this state..

Yesterday I was doing laundry & looking around the house. Nana would be pissed if she saw how it looked right now. Just a tree up, no other decorations, nothing to make it look like Xmas, nothing to make it feel magical. When I grew up here - and I was lucky in that sense because I lived here until I was 8 - Christmas was very magical. You remember when you're little and you get all excited when you see decorations, etc. It was by no means tacky, just pretty, and it got you into the spirit. Grampy just does not give a shit anymore since Nana died, and we had to beg last year to get the tree up. Our first year here we had nothing, he refused to put up a tree. (gee i wonder why i was so down when i moved here) Next year we convinced him, and once my uncle said something along the lines of 'scrooge' then and only then we could put up the tree. (I wont even get into how our opinion means nothing and Greg's is holy.) Greg came by and we went to get wreaths for the windows because no one else would. This year, I was sitting down, and all of a sudden I thought of Nana, how upset she would be, and went out to the 3 season room to find the manger. I knew it was around. I found it, and all the little Jeebus b-boy crew figurines, guest starring da V-Mary to make the wooden diaphragm house look habitable. Then I made Grampy get the light for it when he got home. I offered to set up the village but he claimed to have 'thrown it away'. I just think its in the shed, so that's the next project if no one contacts me today. I am a sarcastic girl, yes, but this is my last holiday living here, I have a touch of the damned spirit because there is a trio of four year olds whom Im going to see this holiday who love christmas, and I can't wait to see them get all excited. I found my christmas lounge music (hell yes) and no one really wants to hear it. Ok I usually dont either. But can't blame me for trying.

Yesterday I sat on the ottoman by the door. Drank coffee and watched the sunset, cause it was full of pinks and reds. Sweetie, my mom's cat, came and sat next to me (she took the chair that goes with the ottoman) and purred. I pet her and she's so lovable :) I looked down at her and started to cry cause I wasn't sure when I would see her again after this week. My kitty Misty also came over, which made me sad again, cause Misty has been with me since I was 13 years old. You know how cats tend to emmulate their owners. Well, Misty is a beautiful girl (duh! you say), and she's a chunky kitty too. She's also a bitch to whomever she deems necessary, but ultra lovable to those she considers special. Her mews might be considered sarcastic by some. If she could talk, she would be witty ;p In conclusion, like strongbad, she's awesome. Life is just going to be off for a while without her. She doesnt go into my room cause cat hair drives me crazy, but the rest of the house is her free roam, and Im just used to her around. Sweetie too. You dont realize how much you dig yr pets until its time to say goodbye. Of course the same goes for family. I will find this out this week when it hits me. I look at my mom lately and think, wow its always been us 2. we've always been there if needed. maybe im just going thru shit i should have went through a long time ago if i moved out when i should have. oh well. i like to think experiencing it now makes it all the more important, because I have the chance to really know how this world works for the most part, and I can appreciate everything all the more (emotions, experiences, etc). I know there will be tons of that happening this week, as I say goodbye to everything and everyone important to me for a while. Cause I dont know what's going to happen after this year, or where I'll be.

On a beauty note, the other week I was trying to find that cross you see on rte 9 west bound by chapel hill & edgewater terrace that peeks out at you with kathy. We drove up bose mountain to see if we can get a view from across the way to pin point it (no, you can't) We were on our way back down when we see a doe and two of her little ones. We just sit there and watch them. They are on the hill and eating, blending in very well with the tall dead brown grass. The mother stares us down for a while, so do the kids, and they finally trust that we're not going to hurt them, well, somewhat cause they keep looking over, and go back to eating. It was like the discovery channel. One rarely gets to experience nature like that and just gets to observe a family of deer. So we watched for about 15 minutes, just silent, taking in their graceful manner. Made me happy.

So much to do this week, so many people to see, I hope I fit it all in with as little stress as possible. Tomorrow I get my reading with Shari. Of course, if the snow doesnt stop me ;) I have a good feeling about it. I have a good feeling about everything. What else can I do? If I allow anything else, I will get too nervous & scared. So much is changing, nothing I can do but embrace it willingly..

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Date:2004-12-15 09:51
Subject:"I'm Fucking Beautiful..God I Love Myself.."
Mood: this fucking draft at my desk!

My friend Clayton was with me getting coffee one night, and we were on our way out. All of a sudden, he says "sometimes I look in the mirror and I am surprised at who is looking back at me, I think 'hey that's not me.'" so of course im going to say 'don't worry clayton everyone has hang ups about themselves' and i start 'well clayton, don't worr-" and he says "I can't believe Im so good looking. I'm HOT."

Ok. If I had powers to freeze the situation like the chick in Out of This World then I so would have. What does one say to someone's excessive self promoting? Im so used to making people feel better & validated that I am taken aback when I run across someone whom I consider one of my bestest friends all of sudden sounding like Lords of Acid. He is attractive. I dunno, I always get weirded out when people start talking about how great they are. So of course the door is open for teasing. "Mira look. Look at my ass. Damn I look good!" i was singing the most beautiful girl to him from lords of acid, "Im sexy, Im gorgeous, so lovely! im touching myself!!" we laughed.
You know, I am all about self empowerment, and having high self esteem. But where is the line of that and being pompous? Clayton is by no means pompous, nor does he ever act it. But do you ever notice that line draws itelf quicker than most?? Maybe my patience is thin with self absorb-ism. Now that's a topic for another time.

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Date:2004-12-12 23:05
Subject:Like my world, I'm on fire.. I am full of desire, yeah..
Mood: contemplative

Crazy, crazy - I'm the boy
Who defies all, yeah
Lift me higher, than anyone
And hold me arms

Woman woman, she outta mind
And simply out of soul
She gets me higher than anyone
And I miss her so
So do it

I miss her so

Stargazer you call the shots
And I take em
Stargazer won't you kick with me, please
Stargazer you call the shots
I take em
Stargazer won't you kick with me
Oh baby please

Dancer Dancer, I'm all wrong
She thinks she's young and wise
But oh, no no
She dance around my - my pretty little cable car
And fix me up with a guy - why?
Why'd you do this to me baby, why you done this to me

Stargazer you call the shots
And I take em
Stargazer won't you kick with me, please
Stargazer you call the shots
I take em
Stargazer won't you kick with me
Oh baby please

Stargazer you cry in blue
Anything I've ever seen
It ain't as good as you child
I'm not trying to push your feelings
But I know you hold me like putty in yo hands

Cry for me and rub it in
Cry for the saviors and the prophet's son
Dream of me and Julie Ann
Oh Xana come back again..

I was listening to this song and Gentle Groove tonight while driving to get smokes, and I started wondering why I was reliving my youth by dredging out Mother Love Bone. Not that I still don't dig it, cause I love Andy Wood, but damn, I was in eighth grade when I was into this music. It was really the cd that captured me and taught me music appreciation. I fell in love with the songs, especially the slow jams - cause Andrew has this way of writing that just touched me. I look back at it & the lyrics/music seems much simpler now, but it's still special. I still get offended when people make fun of it, etc, like I wrote the songs myself. So back to my question. I found the cd when I was packing my cds in case logic containers, and I chose to keep it in its original packaging. For some reason, lately, Ive just been in the mood to hear it. I googled Mother Love Bone, and there's much more info available on them. Well, before internet wasnt around and I had to hunt in magazines, etc to find *anything*. Now there's websites and movies coming out, etc. Shit. I didnt realize that people were still interested. Here I thought I was one chick in MA who was probably the only one who gave a shit. So Im reading some stuff while Im at work, and I realize that he died at 24 years old. I am 26, I surpassed his life span. That was odd to digest since I was 12-14 when I was really into them. He was this 20 something pseudo rock god with cool accessories, a life very far away. Now here I am older than him, and he's written things at what I would call now a young age, well, younger than I, and touched me. A 24 year old had profound feelings and I remember at 24 I couldnt figure myself out. I was writing love poetry, nothing like Chloe Dancer, which still today is one of the most beautiful versus I know. I dont know. It made me feel somewhat behind, not as grown, etc. When he was just a child himself, he seemed so much more mature when I was young. Ahh well.
Well, listening to these songs this evening, I remembered why I decided to tackle a career in music. All the same emotions flooded back when I listen to them, which is odd because immediately I am transported back to my old apartment in Framingham, where I remember being home alone while my mom worked her second job at night, and I would pop the tape in my bedroom, and I am lying on the bed singing along and drawing or writing, talking on the phone, whatever. The feelings were still there. I remember this is why I love music. I am so different now than I was 14 years ago. I have been through different loves, different experiences, memories, chaoses, whatever. But music stays consistent. It still is the backbone of my existence, it still is 'the driving force of my living. the only international language' it was that line there that touched me & I knew that music was so important to me. That it would be with me forever. I didnt know then just how true those words really were. No matter what happens, music will always be my heart. Old songs that remind me of who I am today and where I've been, to new things that continue to grab me and don't let go. It has always been a love affair, causes happiness, pain, tears, and joy. And I will love it till the day I die.

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Date:2004-12-10 09:55
Subject:The Whores Hustle and the Hustlers Whore..
Mood: silly

Ohh I love to tease. I have so many thoughts at my desk. Sometimes I tap impatiently because the thoughts are just in my head and not happening right then & there. This is the most patient Ive been, i think ever. Its kind of fun. But *wow* does it leave me almost make my lip bleed from biting on it.

I can't complain, it makes even the bad days better. always something to look forward to. It's a strange power to feel beautiful. I forgot how it felt.

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Date:2004-12-06 12:13
Subject:you can't see tits on the radio
Mood: devious

Well I am trying this out as my new home, this is more of a test entry just to see what postings will look like. Brace yourselves for the good stuff coming soon. A little about me, other than that weird bio page. Im funny, witty, confidence comes in doses. I usually write rants, poetry, erotica, or inner thoughts. Maybe lyrics once in a while, maybe some quotes. Maybe I'll have something good to say while I am here, maybe not. But im not leaving it up to you, dear anonomous reader, I leave it up to me. I am not here for you.

ps, sometimes drunk or otherwise influenced posting happens. they are usually amusing.

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